In the Beginning

I’m not sure if it was anything important, or if life just happened that way sometimes. Nobody else had seen it and those closest to me believed my mind had just conjured up a way of dealing with what had happened. Whether that be logical or not. I know, or I guess think I know, would make anyone question my sanity. And for someone like me who had always been the rational one, the careful one, it feels like my state of mind has done a one-eighty and now I find myself lopsided.

I don’t know why I decided it would be a brilliant idea to post my inner thoughts and feelings online, I mean I have always kept a diary but that was always ramblings about teenage wo-is-me life. Nothing particularly fascinating. Let alone the ridiculous amounts of spelling errors and love hearts with initials sketched in them (don’t deny you haven’t done it). I guess somewhere in my screwed up head I hope that someone else out there knows something. Could shed some light on this eerie situation. Maybe I’m being too optimistic, which would be a first, but here’s to optimism. Cheers!

Probably by now, if you are still reading this, you have a few questions. Well welcome to the unanswered questions club. We meet every week, and over on the side there is a shiny button for you to press so that you’ll receive a notice to where our next meeting is held. Don’t be late! This week I’ll bring the cookies…

Its hard to explain something that doesn’t make sense. Well thats an obvious one Anna, but I’ll try.

118924356_640About a year ago I was in a car accident. It was devastating, well devastating for my car. What I remember isn’t much. I was driving down one of the back streets around my hometown to meet a friend at this, lets just say party. Now I remember the blinding light, the screeching sound and the voices. What I don’t remember is who pulled me out of my car, and what the police don’t know is what/who hit me. I’d say truck, but the report says ‘undetermined’. Undetermined in the sense that there was nothing but my car all crumpled in a heap with no tire marks to suggest anything hitting it, or me driving into something. It was just dented beyond repair.

My parents were freaked! They thought I’d tried to do something horrible, but nothing seemed to add up. I have no medical history of black outs, no dark and desperate thoughts, let alone the accident photos don’t show me hitting anything. The fact that I had apparent ‘added’ stressors because it was the beginning of year twelve was enough incentive to land me in therapy twice a week. The added fact that when word got out that I had gone ‘crazy’ and crashed my car as a last act which obviously failed, well lets just say that people don’t take too kindly to nut cases. Even undetermined ones. But I’m not jaded by it, clearly. At eighteen if that was the worse that would ever happen to me, I’d say I’m doing a whole lot better than some. I can deal with the bullying because I know the truth. Well as much of the truth as I can remember. I have lost several minutes of my memory, vital minutes, but its all a blank. A vast consuming darkness. So I see now why I and everyone else around me is questioning my sanity.

Its easier to explain the unexplainable by labelling a person as someone who can’t understand reality. I know that now.

xo Anna

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